Category Archives: Interesting

ISYN: Cali Ballot Proposes the “Killing of Gays”

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I SHIT YOU NOT:

Buckle up, this is the real deal.

This past February Matt McLaughlin an attorney in Huntington Beach, California, spent $200 dollars (read: less than the cost of any worthwhile piece of technology / 10 Starbucks coffees) to propose a ballot called the “Sodomite Suppression Act” that would legalize the killing of gays and bisexuals by “bullets to the head” or “any other convenient method.”

Seriously.

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Even more disturbing than this is the fact that this proposition will likely make it further along the political conveyor belt to the ‘signature stage,’ a point where it will almost certainly be stricken down; however, in the meantime, State Attorney General Kamala Harris has no legal choice but to push it along the line for its eventual rejection.

Further to straight up murder, the proposed measure also includes a $1 million dollar fine and 10 year prison sentence for anyone that spreads “sodomistic propaganda” to a minor.  This, obviously, makes little to no sense as a) promotional material for sodomy is (most likely) non-existent anyway, and b) holy shit what are they talking about in the first place.

Previously declined $200 batshit-crazy ideas to be proposed in California include the banning of divorce and making Christmas caroling mandatory for public school students.  Greater detail after the jump.

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Pixar Artist Draws R-Rated Movie Scenes

In case you have ever, once, in your entire life doubted the capability or general awesomeness of a Pixar artist, you take that back right goddamn now.

Sorry, it’s these R-rated scenes, I’m tellin’ ya.

Pixar Artist / Story Supervisor, Josh Cooley, whom I originally labelled a ‘Pixar Artish’ before realizing my fingers had got ahead of me and were already working on ‘Josh,’ is trying his hand at something different: using his artistic talent and instincts to re-create some of the most iconic scenes from non-children (read: adult, but not in that way) films, but with the famous Pixar panache.

Samples of Cooley’s artwork can be seen below, and more details about his book, Movies R Fun, can (and should) be found after the (previous) jump.

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Similarly awesome examples of the juxtaposition of kid-style art with hilarious, adult-oriented messages can be found here, here, and here.  Also, you can get an audiobook of Samuel L. Jackson reading the first one, in case you are too pansy-assed to read it on your own.

Again, I apologize for the hostility.  It’s totally the scenes.

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The 10 Most Unbelievable, Ridiculous Injuries in Sports of All Time

The life of a professional athlete is demanding, let’s be clear; but, every now and then we, as chesterfield participants in our favourite sports, get reminded that some of our most idolized stars are, indeed, only human themselves.

Such is the case today with the Toronto Blue Jays’ outfielder, Kevin Pillar; he’s to miss at least 10 days of play because of a sneeze that resulted in an oblique strain that he suffered early Saturday.  While this, on its own, is certainly chuckle-worthy, there is a veritable laundry list of ridiculous injuries in professional athletics, and so… it begins.

#10. Kendry Morales + Bill Gramatica ‘Break a Leg’

As far as professional sports injuries go, you really can’t fault a player for getting injured during a game… whether during the action or between plays, shit happens – but sometimes, more bizarrely, it happens when you’d least expect it: while celebrating.

Morales, who played for the MLB’s Angels, broke his frigging leg while jumping up and down in celebration and meeting his teammates at home plate after a grand slam home run.  Similarly, Cardinals’ kicker Bill Gramatica suffered an injury to his ACL while celebrating a relatively routine field goal kick that only gave the team a 3-0 lead over the NY Giants in the first quarter of a regular season game against them in December, 2001. – what can I say, the man appreciated the art of celebration.

“Yahooooo, yah-OWWWWW!!”

See above for similar comment.

#9. Orlando Brown Takes a Flag in the Eye & Ken Griffey Jr. Pinches his Ball-bag

Next on the list of surprising, but understandable (though still somewhat ridiculous) injuries to pro athletes comes a couple of hurts courtesy of sporting equipment.

Ken Griffey Jr., one of baseball’s most celebrated heroes and who, of course, has several video games named in his honour, managed, somehow, to pinch one of his testicles – I assume he’s got both, here – between his jock and body.  Naturally, this kind of treatment of your testicles is frowned upon by pain receptors, and Griffey required a bit of time off for recovery.

Orlando Brown, a former NFL player who played for both the Browns and the Ravens, and who died inexplicably at the age of only 40, was similarly injured by sporting equipment; however, his particular injury was completely out of his hands.  While playing for the Browns, Brown was hit in the eye by a referee’s flag, which was thrown in his direction on a play, and that got through his facemask.  Brown left the field on his own, but returned to physically assault the offending referee, and he was subsequently suspended from the NFL until it was revealed that he had been rendered temporarily blind by the errant flag.

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There is nothing subtle about an eye injury.

Brown was let go by the Browns, later returning to the league to play for the Baltimore Ravens, but only after suing the NFL for upwards of $200 million dollars for the flag incident, and to buy a more fashionable eye-patch; however, he apparently settled for far less than this amount.  Look at that thing.

#8. Moises Alou Falls off a Treadmill

Houston Astros outfielder, Moises Alou is known for a great number of things:  playing on a great number of teams other than the Astros, being named Moises, and falling off of a treadmill.

The Astros were dealt a serious blow to their offence when Alou, then 32 years of age, fell off his treadmill while training for an upcoming season at his home in the Dominican Republic.  The injury, which one can imagine looked a lot like any number of these, resulted in a torn ACL and a great number of missed games.

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“I told you not to wear your uniform on the treadmill, Moises.”

#7. Jeff Kent Breaks his Wrist Doing… Something?

When San Francisco Giants’ second baseman Jeff Kent announced that he’d broken his wrist while washing his truck, the sporting world was in a spectrum of hysterics.

How could this happen?  Was the soap super slippery and Kent fell?  Was the sheer force of the water too much for Kent’s wrist as he tested the water temperature before taking the hose to his vehicle?  Whatever the case may have been, Kent took a lot of flack from just about everyone regarding the story and got was getting frustrated with it.

Long story short, some reporters in the San Francisco area dug up what seemed to be a more plausible story – that Kent had been screwing around on his motorcycle, popping wheelies and such, and when shit inevitably went south, Kent made up a more innocuous story to avoid the wrath of the MLB and his fandom.

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Almost certainly what Kent’s wheelies looked like before he crashed.

#6. Joel Zumaya + Lionel Simmons Can’t Stop Playing Video Games

What do a Detroit Tigers pitcher and a Sacramento Kings forward have in common outside of an inherent ability in sports?  That’s easy – an equally inherent ability to become addicted to video games.

Both Joel Zumaya and Lionel Simmons, of the Tigers and Kings respectively, were so addicted to playing video games that they were sidelined due to injuries sustained by their continuous play.

Simmons missed two games from his rookie season after developing tendonitis from too much GameBoy playing, and Zumaya, who cannot be faulted for loving great music and kickass video games, had to miss the 2006 ALCS due to a wrist injury that he developed by constantly playing the Playstation 2’s smash-hit Guitar Hero.  The addiction was apparently so concerning to the Tigers’ organization that Zumaya was actually forbidden from playing it; however, when Guitar Hero II was released, Zumaya was mentioned in the credits:   No pitchers were harmed in the making of this game. Except for one. Joel Zumaya. He had it coming.” Awesome.

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It’s not a photoshop.  It’s a problem.

#5. Bret Barberie, Kevin Mitchell, and Dustin Penner Can’t Eat Food Good

When us non-athlete types sit down to dinner it typically comes after a day of the mundane – we got up, left for work, did our thing for eight or so hours, and then came home and prepared a little sustenance so that we could rest easy and do it all again tomorrow.

When pro athletes make something to eat, however, it’s a special occasion.  In the case of Barberie, Mitchell and Penner, these weren’t just regular meals and snacks that they were getting prepared to devour – they were professional meals and snacks.

Barberie, like any average joe, loves himself a plate of nachos and had prepared himself one hell of a plate to sit down to.  Before going completely Mexican on that nacho plate, however, Barberie decided to put in his contact lenses.  This, for most non-professionals, is a simple task, and it is likely the mundanity of the action that lead to Barberie’s oversight: he neglected to wash his hands after previously loading said nacho plate with all kinds of hot sauce and peppers.  Naturally, his retinas could not handle to intensity of the Mexican dish that he himself had prepared, and Barberie was sidelined for a number of games.

Similarly, Kevin Mitchell, a former Mets and Giants player, and who has been accused of both rape and beheading his girlfriend’s cat during an argument (not, however, in the same instance), broke a tooth on a donut that he’d microwaved from frozen for so long that it over-hardened.  Previous to this incident, Mitchell had also strained a stomach muscle in a bout of vomiting.

Penner, meanwhile, was simply sitting down to a plate of his wife’s fantastic pancakes when he strained his back.  The incident was so widely reported on that Penner wrote an open letter to the media LA Kings’ fanbase explaining the incident, and even outlining his hopes of getting an endorsement from Denny’s or IHOP.  Annnnnd this is why I love hockey.

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Typical goal celebration, or breakfast?  You decide.

#4. Glenallen Hill Has a Terrible, Terrible Nightmare

We’ve all been there: you watch Arachnophobia, maybe have a drink or two too many, and then fall asleep only to wake up several hours later screaming your head off, smashing your way through a glass-topped table covered in dreamworld spiders.  Amirite?!?!

Well, regardless of your own experiences, such was the case with pro MLB’er Glenallen Hill.  Hill, who is reported to have some serious arachnophobia, woke up in the middle of a terrifying spider dream and went on to suffer injuries all over his body after smashing a glass table, and the falling down the frigging stairs.  Hill wound up missing about half a month of play and earned the moniker ‘Spiderman’ for his efforts which, of course, I’m sure he appreciates immensely.

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This spider, meanwhile, suffers from baseballophobia.  Poor little guy.

#3. Jimmie Johnson Falls off the Roof of a Golf Cart

Despite only admitting to being “in” the golf cart at the time of the accident, NASCAR super-driver Jimmie Johnson is reported to have been on the roof of the golf cart when his driver made a sharp turn and he flew off.  Johnson, who landed on and ultimately broke his wrist, was then unable to drive a car for four weeks.

For his next stunt, Johnson is rumoured to be attempting to surf atop one of his very own NASCAR vehicles – that is, unless he realizes that he isn’t in any way athletic.

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Oh, please be how this ended.

#2. Brian Anderson, Mark Smith, + John Smoltz Can’t Use Home Appliances

There are a lot of things that pro athletes do well – there’s no doubt about that – but with all of these abilities, not to mention having had things done for them for many steps along the way, there are just some things that elude the pro athlete’s mind.

Like how to use an iron, and just how air conditioners work.

Brian Anderson, an Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher and John Smoltz, a pitcher for the Braves, both had run-ins with irons in their careers.  Anderson, needing to iron a shirt, tested the warmth of the iron on his face, while Smoltz reportedly, though adamantly denies, that he attempted to iron a shirt while he was wearing it.

Smith, on the other hand, simply jammed his pitching hand into an air conditioner to see why it wasn’t working properly.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, my garbage disposal is making a strange whirly noise.

#1. Plaxico Burress + Chris Hanson Should Not Carry Weapons

As a professional athlete, one must be able to protect oneself and feel like a confident, strong, and capable individual.  Sometimes this means carrying a weapon… and sometimes it means using it.  If, however, said pro athlete is not truly accustomed to carrying and using such a weapon, problems may indeed arise.

Such was the case with Hanson and Burress, two athletes who, in different ways, damaged themselves and their reputations by accidental use of a weapon.  Yes, I said accidental.

Hanson, at the time a kicker for the Jacksonville Jaguars, was simply spending time in the Jags’ locker room when he attempted to participate in coach Jack Del Rio’s physical motivator: a wood stump, left with an axe as a symbol to the team’s players to ‘keep chopping wood.’  Hanson, in his attempt to chop said wood, instead chopped his foot and was sidelined for the remainder of the 2003 season.

Burress, a former Super Bowl hero and NFL star, had carried a handgun into a New York club called LQ.  While attempting to move between floors of the club via staircase, Burress missed a step and tripped up the stairs.  His gun, which was tucked into his waistband at the time, slipped from its position and it was only when Burress reached for the gun to stop its sliding down his leg that the gun went off, shooting himself.

Burress realized the trouble he was in immediately, and eventually spent 21 months in prison for the mistake.  He also fully admitted the stupidity of his actions and eventually made a comeback in the NFL.

His name, however, is still ridiculous.

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“I’d like my one phone call.”

*BONUS / Alternate #1.* Adam Eaton Stabs Himself in the Stomach Opening a DVD

Eaton, a pitcher for several different MLB teams over the course of his career, injured himself in what can only be described as the most average, non-professional, ridiculous way possible: opening a DVD.

In what was no doubt frantic jubilation over his recent purchase, Eaton accidentally stabbed himself in the stomach with a paring knife while attempting to open a dual-pack DVD.  The movies in question?  Backdraft and Happy Gilmore.  All that’s left now is to find out which one he watched first!

**Final thought:  What the Hell is with MLB pitchers?  Seriously, get it together.

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7-Week-Old Baby Says “Hello”

While this is not particularly shocking to me as a non-parent and additionally inexperienced babysitter/holder/coddler, the rest of the world is, apparently, finding this quite amusing.

Cillian McCann, a newborn Irish baby, repeated back ‘hello’ to his mother after several visibly trying attempts to form the word. According to Science, word formation doesn’t generally happen until around the 18th month or thereabouts, putting this baby roughly 16 months ahead of schedule.

Now, join the millions of other onlookers in watching this miniature human say something we’ve all heard a billion times:

“Dammit, baby, say it when I walk IN, not when I’m leaving.”

Next on the baby’s To-Do list are 1) taking solid poos, and 2) prank calling his parents.  Walking and getting into Oxford should follow shortly thereafter.

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The DNA Thief: NYC Artist Creates Replica Face Sculptures From Your Discarded Gum

Careful where you leave your DNA, folks; an artist in New York named Heather Dewey-Hagborg (well, that’s unfortunate) has been creating 3D printed sculptures/busts of people’s faces built upon the DNA she has been able to scoop from chewing gum, cigarette butts, and strands of hair.

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“Whatever you do, don’t look up its nose.”

Dewey-Hagborg finds a sample, extracts the DNA from it using a “DNA Investigator Kit” that she says is readily available from Qiagen, an online healthcare/lab materials website, and then puts the sample through some rigorous analysis to determine the genetic make-up and appearance of her subject.

Her exhibit, titled Stranger Visions, is a collection of 3D printed faces of the subjects she has chosen and been able to analyze, and each one, interestingly, comes with additional (seemingly irrelevant, but otherwise interesting) details such as the wetness of the person’s earwax, their resistance to Malaria, and the likelihood that each person will become freckly or go bald.

While each piece is undoubtedly creepy, the overall concept is an intriguing one, and her work is groundbreaking and a sign of things to come in the art world.

As for me, I will now be leaving the house each day in a hazmat suit.

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“The wetness of my earwax is MY business!”

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India’s Holi 2015 / OR Awesomeness we’re missing out on…

As the sun crosses what is known as the celestial equator towards the end of March we, as North Americans, will pass officially into spring.  Until then, unfortunately, we are in what only seems to be the middle of a very long, cold winter, eager for any sort of reprieve.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the Earth, people in India are celebrating their coming of spring today, March 6th, in one of the greatest ways that one could imagine: having an all-out, no holds barred colour fight (the word fight, here, being used in a sort of gleeful opposition, rather than anything nasty).

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Various munitions, forged from captured rainbows.

Known as the festival of love or festival of colours, Holi is a time to welcome spring and to celebrate nature by flinging colourful powders and water on your friends, family and total strangers, both old and young – and as long as you’re out on the streets or in a public space, you are fair game as a target.

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Tragedy today, as an explosion rips through the Kool-Aid factory.

While not celebrated exclusively by Hindus, Holi is rooted in ancient Hindu belief and is also a day for forgiving, forgetting, and starting anew – practices that many people, not just of Hindu faith or Indian descent, can surely appreciate the value of.

The festival (which in some parts of India lasts 16 days!) is marked by singing, dancing, and ritual bonfires, and is an opportunity for the community to come together, have fun, and strengthen their bonds.

Well done, India… save some ammunition for me for next year.

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Sorry, America: You’re Still Kind of Racist

Let me make one thing clear before getting into this story: I am not anti-America.  I think America can (and should) stand for good in this world, however, I also believe that parts of it are absolutely not doing that.  I am, alternatively, pro-people; I believe in universal human rights – like having the freedoms of speech and mobility, as well as the right to a due process if accused of some crime, and the right to unbiased decisions based on race, creed or sexual orientation.  These last rights, however, are still regularly being ignored and, despite the fact that equality is at an all-time high in not only North America, but the world (though I’m not blind to the lengths we as a species still need to go), sexual and racial biases, even segregation, continue to persist.

While it may not only be America that is guilty of these egregious missteps in relation to what is becoming more and more socially acceptable and normal, it is America that is in the spotlight.

First, the issue – a high school in Wilcox county, Georgia, holds annually two proms: one for the black students, and one for the white students.  This high school, however, has not broken any civil rights laws as these proms are funded by the parents and students within the school, thereby making them hosts of the events, and thereby responsible for their message.  The school, however, does condone these segregated dances, and has some form of input as to their running.

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1950s or Wilcox County, Georgia, this afternoon?  You decide.

The reason that this is only now in the media’s spotlight is because several students at this school, specifically four girls who are best friends (of which two are white, and two of African-American descent), have taken it upon themselves to raise the money for the school’s first integrated prom.  This means that, until the year 2013, no student, parent, or educational/governmental group in the area has made any kind of serious effort to put on a prom that would see all students get to attend the same dance, regardless of race or creed.  Furthermore, the school also holds separate homecoming events for each race.

“We are all friends,” one of the girls told the local press.  “That’s just kind of not right that we can’t go to prom together.”

Now, I’m not a doctor.  I’m also not a rocket scientist, civil rights expert, or law-maker, but when a few 16 year old girls are the only people making rational statements to the press about the right or wrongness of separating students by race, and in the year 2013 mind you, it may be time to reevaluate your whole approach to life.  Look around, Georgia… America… times have changed and (holy shit) it’s about time you did too.

If at this point you’re asking yourself why some sort of protest hasn’t happened, here’s your answer: last year, when a bi-racial student attempted to attend the white-only prom, police were called in to ask him to leave the premises.  In the school’s own lame attempt to unify this school, however, this year they have decided that there will be only one prom king and one prom queen – thought it won’t really make a difference as the Queen is a black student and the King is a white student, so they’ll never have a dance together and were not even allowed to be photographed together for the school yearbook.

If you aren’t disgusted yet, this:  the four girls who have bravely taken on the task of holding this integrated prom have run into some problems along the way… the girls, after putting posters up in the halls for the integrated prom have actually had “people ripping them down at the school” probably out of a fear of change or just because whythefucknot.

Is it time for a country-wide standard on these types of issues?  I hesitate, as well, to use the word “issues” because, really, why is it even an issue at all?  Just when you think we, as a people, have grown up, have found some common sense, or otherwise changed for the better, you stumble upon a story like this and it feels like maybe we deserve to be blind-sided by a continent-sized asteroid.

As far as I’m concerned the focus should be on whether this segregation is right-or-wrong on the whole, and the answer, I think, is fairly black and white.

(Pun intended.)

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Ontario’s ‘Social Farter’ Campaign Takes Aim at So-Called ‘Social Smokers’

We all have that friend – the so-called ‘social‘ smoker, someone who only typically lights up on weekends or while drinking; they insist that they are, in fact, not actually a smoker, probably because they don’t want to be associated with the yellow nails/teeth and mentally-tangible stench that accompanies such a label.  Ontario’s Health Minister, however, has done the rest of society a favour by calling these people out on their horseshit stance by running a new campaign entitled Quit the Denial.

The campaign focusses on a direct comparison between farting and smoking, and even creates what they term a social-farter, someone who farts only around friends, at parties, and to, and I quote, “break the ice.”

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Either that’s a really good fart, or her ass just took a drag on a wicked ciggy!

“Well it’s true that I fart,” begins the girl in the ad, “but I wouldn’t call myself a farter,” she says as if there’s a terrible stigma attached to the phrase.”

“I’m a social farter.”

In what is perhaps the best line from the advert, and the most potent mockery of social smoking, the girl quietly admits that she will use farting as a way to meet a new guy.  The ad cuts away to her asking a fellow party-goer if he’d “like to go outside for a fart.”  The man replies with restrained enthusiasm: yes.

Check out the ad below – pass it on to your “social smoking” friends and let them know one thing: that social smoking is just as ridiculous as social farting… and both stink.

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Fresh Out of Jail? Have a Steak – Then a Massive Heart Attack!

Thursday afternoon a man named David Ranta, convicted in the 1990 killing of a Brooklyn Rabbi (named Chaskel Werzberger), and having already served 23 out of the 37 years he was sentenced, was released into the wild (or freedom, whatever you’d like to call it) after it was found that he had been wrongfully accused of the crime.  In a shining testament to the power of justice in America, Ranta was convicted on the strength of a 13-year-old witness who had been coached by detectives to pick him out of a lineup despite the fact that no physical evidence existed to tie him to the crime (shooting Rabbi Werzberger in the head after a bungled jewel heist).

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Prosecutors are required, by law, to laugh at the convicted person(s) upon sentences of 30 years or greater.

Upon his release, Ranta was quoted as saying he was “overwhelmed” (no shit) and felt like he was “under water, swimming,” which would suggest that Ranta did not at all work on his analogies while locked up.  He then went out for a steak dinner and, according to his sister, began to feel ill afterwards, suffering a serious heart attack later that evening.

“The accumulated trauma of being falsely convicted and incarcerated for 23 years,” said Ranta’s lawyer Pierre Sussman, in a quote from the Daily News, “coupled with the intense emotions experienced surrounding his release, has had a profound impact on his health.”  Ranta is, however, in good spirits having survived the heart attack and plans to relax and reconnect with his family now that he’s free to do so.  Oh, and sue the city of New York and their police departments – that too.

The now-deceased actual killer, whose name has not been released, has been identified as such by his widow – you know, now that he will never have the chance to face the Big Apple’s brand of justice which, let’s face it, likely would have erroneously put him away for a couple of hours for spitting on the sidewalk.

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Tired of Feeling Ugly? So Were These Porn stars.

In case you were ever wondering what it takes to get into porn (other than an insatiable desire to, let’s say, ‘eat sandwiches‘), we have an answer that may surprise you:

Nothing, really, with the exception of working genitalia (pun fully intended).

A Youtuber has done us and the internet the professional courtesy of compiling pictures of a wide array of porn stars before and after having their make-up done to show us why make-up artists are, indeed, paid so handsomely for their work.  Fear not, lazy reader, for the pictures come in video form and are completely and totally safe for work – unless in a nudist colony where ‘clothes-on’ pics are probably considered taboo or fetish-related.

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