There are only a few things from the early years of my life that I hold close with an absolute ninja grip, and the most important of those things may be cinema.
Movies have the power to inspire, to add colour and intrigue to a life in the ordinary, and to inspire us to be creative, adventurous and, simply, more interesting.
While most of us have extremely fond memories / recollections of watching our favourite movies over and over, I’m sure a great number of us feel as though modern cinema just hasn’t captured that family-oriented action/comedy that was so popular during the 80s and 90s.
For me, this is most embodied in the Back to the Future franchise; its storyline is brilliant, its writing is fantastic, and the way everything works out in the end is just so heartfelt and genuine that it illustrates the passion and love for the craft of storytelling that everyone involved in making the film so wholeheartedly possessed.
While there are many such examples of great films, and films with which I have powerful, long-lasting memories, one of my favourites (and that I still quote to this day) is The Sandlot.
Without going into too much detail because, let’s face it, there are few who are uninitiated in the hilarity that is The Sandlot, here is a brief synopsis: kid is new to town and has no friends – he moved there with his mom and new step dad. The step dad is a massive baseball fan and has a collection of rare memorabilia. The kid eventually goes out and makes some friends, who all play ball and, even though he sucks, he joins them in play. When they lose the last ball they have during play, and wanting to be the hero, he runs home to grab his step dad’s signed Babe Ruth ball and then brings that back to play with. The ball is then promptly hit over a fence into a terrifying man’s backyard, and is caught by an impossibly huge dog nicknamed the beast. The rest of the movie is a hilarious quest to retrieve the ball.
Also, Darth Vader himself, James Earle Jones, plays the terrifying old man, who *spoiler* actually isn’t that terrifying.
Anyway, long story short, the New York Yankees did us all an awesome favour and recreated one of the funny scenes from the movie – my vote is for more of this!
Let’s go Anaheim Ducks, I want to see some ‘flying V’ action!
This past February Matt McLaughlin an attorney in Huntington Beach, California, spent $200 dollars (read: less than the cost of any worthwhile piece of technology / 10 Starbucks coffees) to propose a ballot called the “Sodomite Suppression Act” that would legalize the killing of gays and bisexuals by “bullets to the head” or “any other convenient method.”
Seriously.
Even more disturbing than this is the fact that this proposition will likely make it further along the political conveyor belt to the ‘signature stage,’ a point where it will almost certainly be stricken down; however, in the meantime, State Attorney General Kamala Harris has no legal choice but to push it along the line for its eventual rejection.
Further to straight up murder, the proposed measure also includes a $1 million dollar fine and 10 year prison sentence for anyone that spreads “sodomistic propaganda” to a minor. This, obviously, makes little to no sense as a) promotional material for sodomy is (most likely) non-existent anyway, and b) holy shit what are they talking about in the first place.
Previously declined $200 batshit-crazy ideas to be proposed in California include the banning of divorce and making Christmas caroling mandatory for public school students. Greater detail after the jump.
In case you have ever, once, in your entire life doubted the capability or general awesomeness of a Pixar artist, you take that back right goddamn now.
Sorry, it’s these R-rated scenes, I’m tellin’ ya.
Pixar Artist / Story Supervisor, Josh Cooley, whom I originally labelled a ‘Pixar Artish’ before realizing my fingers had got ahead of me and were already working on ‘Josh,’ is trying his hand at something different: using his artistic talent and instincts to re-create some of the most iconic scenes from non-children (read: adult, but not in that way) films, but with the famous Pixar panache.
Samples of Cooley’s artwork can be seen below, and more details about his book, Movies R Fun, can (and should) be found after the (previous) jump.
Similarly awesome examples of the juxtaposition of kid-style art with hilarious, adult-oriented messages can be found here, here, and here. Also, you can get an audiobook of Samuel L. Jackson reading the first one, in case you are too pansy-assed to read it on your own.
Again, I apologize for the hostility. It’s totally the scenes.
While rampant speculation suggests that this is all just one huge whopper of a lie in itself, take the following with a grain of salt… or a side of fries.
Press materials coming out of Japan today suggest that Burger King is releasing a Whopper scented perfume that they will begin selling on April 1st 2015. The date, while certainly suspicious, could simply be coincidental; however, no one really knows how Japan does April Fools jokes (or anything, for that matter), so getting all their burgers in a row a half-month ahead of schedule could just be par for the course.
Unfortunately, the “no pickles” scent is extremely limited in number.
While common sense dictates that we should assume this to be one huge, big fat, quarter-pounder of a lie, Brian Ashcroft over at Kotaku further explains the strangeness that surrounds the whole situation:
According to Burger King Japan, April 1st is now “Whopper Day” in Japan. It’s not a national holiday (dammit!), but website Fashion Snap reports that the company registered the day with the Japan Anniversary Association, making it one of many “unofficial” holidays that exist in the country. For example, Japan has a Pocky Day.
If, in fact, this does all turn out to be one big ruse, I’m sure there will be many an un-happy Japanese citizen because, let’s face it, who doesn’t want to smell like BK’s masterpiece and patented secret sauce? Where does that leave the rest of us?
Why, holding out for an Eau de Pizza Pocket, of course!
Airplanes fly through some crazy stuff. They go up and over thunderstorms, they easily survive temperature gradients from over 40° C to well below -70° C; some can even dodge missiles, or fly nearly into outer space. However, just this week, a British Airways flight from Heathrow to Dubai was forced to abort mission for what is perhaps the silliest reason of all time.
Was it birds on the runway? Nope.
Was it ice on the wings? Nope.
Was it, god forbid, a terrorist threat? Nope.
What grounded this flight was a passenger. Not an unruly passenger, no. It was a passenger with a severe problem – a severe toilet problem. A fellow passenger later tweeted that the flight was aborted due to a “smelly poo in the toilet.”
“Blimey, I know airplane food is bad but this is ridiculous…”
To quote the pilot, who ordered the plane to return to Heathrow, the reason for the returned flight was a ‘pungent odour’ coming from one of the plane’s bathrooms, emitting from what he, quite colourfully describe to be “liquid fecal excrement.”
Apparently the crew had “examined” the problem, and were “unable to fix it,” leading some to speculate that this particular poo was not limited to the boundaries of the toilet bowl… if you catch my poo drift.
While this passenger, who remains nameless (though certainly not without nickname), has checked one more item off of their (poo) bucket list, I now need to devise a more nefarious plan for getting one of my own flights grounded via bodily fluid.
The life of a professional athlete is demanding, let’s be clear; but, every now and then we, as chesterfield participants in our favourite sports, get reminded that some of our most idolized stars are, indeed, only human themselves.
Such is the case today with the Toronto Blue Jays’ outfielder, Kevin Pillar; he’s to miss at least 10 days of play because of a sneeze that resulted in an oblique strain that he suffered early Saturday. While this, on its own, is certainly chuckle-worthy, there is a veritable laundry list of ridiculous injuries in professional athletics, and so… it begins.
#10. Kendry Morales + Bill Gramatica ‘Break a Leg’
As far as professional sports injuries go, you really can’t fault a player for getting injured during a game… whether during the action or between plays, shit happens – but sometimes, more bizarrely, it happens when you’d least expect it: while celebrating.
Morales, who played for the MLB’s Angels, broke his frigging leg while jumping up and down in celebration and meeting his teammates at home plate after a grand slam home run. Similarly, Cardinals’ kicker Bill Gramatica suffered an injury to his ACL while celebrating a relatively routine field goal kick that only gave the team a 3-0 lead over the NY Giants in the first quarter of a regular season game against them in December, 2001. – what can I say, the man appreciated the art of celebration.
“Yahooooo, yah-OWWWWW!!”
See above for similar comment.
#9. Orlando Brown Takes a Flag in the Eye & Ken Griffey Jr. Pinches his Ball-bag
Nexton the list of surprising, but understandable (though still somewhat ridiculous) injuries to pro athletes comes a couple of hurts courtesy of sporting equipment.
Ken Griffey Jr., one of baseball’s most celebrated heroes and who, of course, has several video games named in his honour, managed, somehow, to pinch one of his testicles – I assume he’s got both, here – between his jock and body. Naturally, this kind of treatment of your testicles is frowned upon by pain receptors, and Griffey required a bit of time off for recovery.
Orlando Brown, a former NFL player who played for both the Browns and the Ravens, and who died inexplicably at the age of only 40, was similarly injured by sporting equipment; however, his particular injury was completely out of his hands. While playing for the Browns, Brown was hit in the eye by a referee’s flag, which was thrown in his direction on a play, and that got through his facemask. Brown left the field on his own, but returned to physically assault the offending referee, and he was subsequently suspended from the NFL until it was revealed that he had been rendered temporarily blind by the errant flag.
There is nothing subtle about an eye injury.
Brown was let go by the Browns, later returning to the league to play for the Baltimore Ravens, but only after suing the NFL for upwards of $200 million dollars for the flag incident, and to buy a more fashionable eye-patch; however, he apparently settled for far less than this amount. Look at that thing.
#8. Moises Alou Falls off a Treadmill
Houston Astros outfielder, Moises Alou is known for a great number of things: playing on a great number of teams other than the Astros, being named Moises, and falling off of a treadmill.
The Astros were dealt a serious blow to their offence when Alou, then 32 years of age, fell off his treadmill while training for an upcoming season at his home in the Dominican Republic. The injury, which one can imagine looked a lot like any number of these, resulted in a torn ACL and a great number of missed games.
“I told you not to wear your uniform on the treadmill, Moises.”
#7. Jeff Kent Breaks his Wrist Doing… Something?
When San Francisco Giants’ second baseman Jeff Kent announced that he’d broken his wrist while washing his truck, the sporting world was in a spectrum of hysterics.
How could this happen? Was the soap super slippery and Kent fell? Was the sheer force of the water too much for Kent’s wrist as he tested the water temperature before taking the hose to his vehicle? Whatever the case may have been, Kent took a lot of flack from just about everyone regarding the story and got was getting frustrated with it.
Long story short, some reporters in the San Francisco area dug up what seemed to be a more plausible story – that Kent had been screwing around on his motorcycle, popping wheelies and such, and when shit inevitably went south, Kent made up a more innocuous story to avoid the wrath of the MLB and his fandom.
Almost certainly what Kent’s wheelies looked like before he crashed.
#6. Joel Zumaya + Lionel Simmons Can’t Stop Playing Video Games
What do a Detroit Tigers pitcher and a Sacramento Kings forward have in common outside of an inherent ability in sports? That’s easy – an equally inherent ability to become addicted to video games.
Both Joel Zumaya and Lionel Simmons, of the Tigers and Kings respectively, were so addicted to playing video games that they were sidelined due to injuries sustained by their continuous play.
Simmons missed two games from his rookie season after developing tendonitis from too much GameBoy playing, and Zumaya, who cannot be faulted for loving great music and kickass video games, had to miss the 2006 ALCS due to a wrist injury that he developed by constantly playing the Playstation 2’s smash-hit Guitar Hero. The addiction was apparently so concerning to the Tigers’ organization that Zumaya was actually forbidden from playing it; however, when Guitar Hero II was released, Zumaya was mentioned in the credits: “No pitchers were harmed in the making of this game. Except for one. Joel Zumaya. He had it coming.”Awesome.
It’s not a photoshop. It’s a problem.
#5. Bret Barberie, Kevin Mitchell, and Dustin Penner Can’t Eat Food Good
When us non-athlete types sit down to dinner it typically comes after a day of the mundane – we got up, left for work, did our thing for eight or so hours, and then came home and prepared a little sustenance so that we could rest easy and do it all again tomorrow.
When pro athletes make something to eat, however, it’s a special occasion. In the case of Barberie, Mitchell and Penner, these weren’t just regular meals and snacks that they were getting prepared to devour – they were professional meals and snacks.
Barberie, like any average joe, loves himself a plate of nachos and had prepared himself one hell of a plate to sit down to. Before going completely Mexican on that nacho plate, however, Barberie decided to put in his contact lenses. This, for most non-professionals, is a simple task, and it is likely the mundanity of the action that lead to Barberie’s oversight: he neglected to wash his hands after previously loading said nacho plate with all kinds of hot sauce and peppers. Naturally, his retinas could not handle to intensity of the Mexican dish that he himself had prepared, and Barberie was sidelined for a number of games.
Similarly, Kevin Mitchell, a former Mets and Giants player, and who has been accused of both rape and beheading his girlfriend’s cat during an argument (not, however, in the same instance), broke a tooth on a donut that he’d microwaved from frozen for so long that it over-hardened. Previous to this incident, Mitchell had also strained a stomach muscle in a bout of vomiting.
Penner, meanwhile, was simply sitting down to a plate of his wife’s fantastic pancakes when he strained his back. The incident was so widely reported on that Penner wrote an open letter to the media LA Kings’ fanbase explaining the incident, and even outlining his hopes of getting an endorsement from Denny’s or IHOP. Annnnnd this is why I love hockey.
Typical goal celebration, or breakfast? You decide.
#4. Glenallen Hill Has a Terrible, Terrible Nightmare
We’ve all been there: you watch Arachnophobia, maybe have a drink or two too many, and then fall asleep only to wake up several hours later screaming your head off, smashing your way through a glass-topped table covered in dreamworld spiders. Amirite?!?!
Well, regardless of your own experiences, such was the case with pro MLB’er Glenallen Hill. Hill, who is reported to have some serious arachnophobia, woke up in the middle of a terrifying spider dream and went on to suffer injuries all over his body after smashing a glass table, and the falling down the frigging stairs. Hill wound up missing about half a month of play and earned the moniker ‘Spiderman’ for his efforts which, of course, I’m sure he appreciates immensely.
This spider, meanwhile, suffers from baseballophobia. Poor little guy.
#3. Jimmie Johnson Falls off the Roof of a Golf Cart
Despite only admitting to being “in” the golf cart at the time of the accident, NASCAR super-driver Jimmie Johnson is reported to have been on the roof of the golf cart when his driver made a sharp turn and he flew off. Johnson, who landed on and ultimately broke his wrist, was then unable to drive a car for four weeks.
For his next stunt, Johnson is rumoured to be attempting to surf atop one of his very own NASCAR vehicles – that is, unless he realizes that he isn’t in any way athletic.
Oh, please be how this ended.
#2. Brian Anderson, Mark Smith, + John Smoltz Can’t Use Home Appliances
There are a lot of things that pro athletes do well – there’s no doubt about that – but with all of these abilities, not to mention having had things done for them for many steps along the way, there are just some things that elude the pro athlete’s mind.
Like how to use an iron, and just how air conditioners work.
Brian Anderson, an Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher and John Smoltz, a pitcher for the Braves, both had run-ins with irons in their careers. Anderson, needing to iron a shirt, tested the warmth of the ironon his face, while Smoltz reportedly, though adamantly denies, that he attempted to iron a shirt while he was wearing it.
Smith, on the other hand, simply jammed his pitching hand into an air conditioner to see why it wasn’t working properly. Now, if you’ll excuse me, my garbage disposal is making a strange whirly noise.
#1. Plaxico Burress + Chris Hanson Should Not Carry Weapons
As a professional athlete, one must be able to protect oneself and feel like a confident, strong, and capable individual. Sometimes this means carrying a weapon… and sometimes it means using it. If, however, said pro athlete is not truly accustomed to carrying and using such a weapon, problems may indeed arise.
Such was the case with Hanson and Burress, two athletes who, in different ways, damaged themselves and their reputations by accidental use of a weapon. Yes, I said accidental.
Hanson, at the time a kicker for the Jacksonville Jaguars, was simply spending time in the Jags’ locker room when he attempted to participate in coach Jack Del Rio’s physical motivator: a wood stump, left with an axe as a symbol to the team’s players to ‘keep chopping wood.’ Hanson, in his attempt to chop said wood, instead chopped his foot and was sidelined for the remainder of the 2003 season.
Burress, a former Super Bowl hero and NFL star, had carried a handgun into a New York club called LQ. While attempting to move between floors of the club via staircase, Burress missed a step and tripped up the stairs. His gun, which was tucked into his waistband at the time, slipped from its position and it was only when Burress reached for the gun to stop its sliding down his leg that the gun went off, shooting himself.
Burress realized the trouble he was in immediately, and eventually spent 21 months in prison for the mistake. He also fully admitted the stupidity of his actions and eventually made a comeback in the NFL.
His name, however, is still ridiculous.
“I’d like my one phone call.”
*BONUS / Alternate #1.* Adam Eaton Stabs Himself in the Stomach Opening a DVD
Eaton, a pitcher for several different MLB teams over the course of his career, injured himself in what can only be described as the most average, non-professional, ridiculous way possible: opening a DVD.
In what was no doubt frantic jubilation over his recent purchase, Eaton accidentally stabbed himself in the stomach with a paring knife while attempting to open a dual-pack DVD. The movies in question? Backdraft and Happy Gilmore. All that’s left now is to find out which one he watched first!
**Final thought: What the Hell is with MLB pitchers? Seriously, get it together.
While this is not particularly shocking to me as a non-parent and additionally inexperienced babysitter/holder/coddler, the rest of the world is, apparently, finding this quite amusing.
Cillian McCann, a newborn Irish baby, repeated back ‘hello’ to his mother after several visibly trying attempts to form the word. According to Science, word formation doesn’t generally happen until around the 18th month or thereabouts, putting this baby roughly 16 months ahead of schedule.
Now, join the millions of other onlookers in watching this miniature human say something we’ve all heard a billion times:
“Dammit, baby, say it when I walk IN, not when I’m leaving.”
Next on the baby’s To-Do list are 1) taking solid poos, and 2) prank calling his parents. Walking and getting into Oxford should follow shortly thereafter.
If our iPhone apps were clan members on a season of Survivor, several of them have had the coveted status of immunity for far too long – and another app is being added to that untouchable list.
In preparation for the Apple Watch release, set to drop on April 24th at a range of prices ($350 all the way to $17 000[!!]), Apple has been updating its (read: our) iDevices with iOS version 8.2; this update comes with a number of stability fixes and app optimizations, as well as the aforementioned addition of a new app that iUsers are incapable of deleting: Apple Watch.
Those of us that have updated our iPhones since 8.2 arrived have been treated to the following message / free advertising from Apple:
Why did no one think to plaster U2’s newest album cover on the screen?
While this in and of itself is not especially irritating, largely because the Apple Watch requires iOS 8.2 or later, the fact that this new app is un-deleteable puts it firmly in a never-opened ‘utilities’ folder on my phone that contains similarly useless, yet immune, apps like ‘Tips,’ ‘Stocks,’ ‘Compass,’ ‘iTunes Store,’ and ‘Passbook.’ This, by the way, is not to say that these apps are entirely useless – they just are to me on my iPhone.
Furthermore, in what will come as a surprise to almost no one, this update has ignored a major problem that has been brought to Apple by – wait for it – thousands of people. In addition to those speaking up about the problem on Apple’s forums, one particular thread has been viewed more than six hundred thousand times. What is this issue, you ask?
It’s called WiFried and it’s, essentially, a bug that breaks your iDevice’s ability to connect to WiFi and decimates its battery functionality, leaving some users with mere hours of phone use after charging it to max capacity. Forbes.com has further reported that a number of users are outright accusing Apple of not only deliberately ignoring the ongoing issue, but erasing some of their posts on the Apple forums in order to quell the community’s ongoing rage and discontent with the situation.
While I personally have not experienced issues with WiFried (yet – dammit, where’s some wood to knock on), this must be frustrating for a great number of people; several websites have popped up to help people, though I cannot attest to their effectiveness. If these and other fixes don’t work, and major issues persist for much longer, however, Apple may have to Watch their back.
See what I did there?
Good luck iCommunity – we can get through this together.
After an investigation conducted by Turkey’s Children Services General Directorate, the country is prepared to issue a ban against the sale of Minecraft within its borders.
For the uninitiated (ed. note: no one on this planet), Minecraft, created by Mojang Studios (and primarily its founder, Marcus ‘Notch’ Persson), is a game that involves chipping away various types of blocks that form an infinitely massive 3D world, and then using these blocks to build things. These blocks include things such as wood (from trees), sand, gravel, stone, and dirt, amongst other things, and the primary goal of the game is survival and exploration; a day/night cycle requires that players find or build shelter before nightfall, or be forced to fight various monsters that come out when the sun goes down.
“But I’m too young to die!!”
The game, a worldwide phenomenon, is played by almost 28 million people (or more than the population of 153 individual countries, and just below half of Turkey’s population) across PC, Mac, Xbox, Playstation, and iDevices.
Importantly, success in the game is not predicated on the use of violence to achieve an end goal, but rather on the players’ own ambitions and creativity.
In a statement released by Mojang, and published on PCGamer.com, a representative for the company has said the following:
“The world of Minecraft can be a dangerous place: it’s inhabited by scary, genderless monsters that come out at night. It might be necessary to defend against them to survive. If people find this level of fantasy conflict upsetting, we would encourage them to play in Creative Mode, or to enable the Peaceful setting. Both of these options will prevent monsters from appearing in the world.”
Meanwhile, a cursory Google search will yield no results regarding any kind of ban of Grand Theft Auto 5 in the country, one of the most violent, controversial, and widely banned video games of all time.
Minecraft’s ban-status will be reviewed by courts and decided upon in the near future, so get your fill of Turkish Minecraft while you can.
OK. Not Ok.
What’s next, Turkey – knitting the World’s Largest Sweater?
Careful where you leave your DNA, folks; an artist in New York named Heather Dewey-Hagborg (well, that’s unfortunate) has been creating 3D printed sculptures/busts of people’s faces built upon the DNA she has been able to scoop from chewing gum, cigarette butts, and strands of hair.
“Whatever you do, don’t look up its nose.”
Dewey-Hagborg finds a sample, extracts the DNA from it using a “DNA Investigator Kit” that she says is readily available from Qiagen, an online healthcare/lab materials website, and then puts the sample through some rigorous analysis to determine the genetic make-up and appearance of her subject.
Her exhibit, titled Stranger Visions, is a collection of 3D printed faces of the subjects she has chosen and been able to analyze, and each one, interestingly, comes with additional (seemingly irrelevant, but otherwise interesting) details such as the wetness of the person’s earwax, their resistance to Malaria, and the likelihood that each person will become freckly or go bald.
While each piece is undoubtedly creepy, the overall concept is an intriguing one, and her work is groundbreaking and a sign of things to come in the art world.
As for me, I will now be leaving the house each day in a hazmat suit.
The Incepted Perspective 